Social Security: The Answer.

There is one simple solution to our Social Security solvency issue I think we can all embrace.We currently have too many people ON Medicare and not enough PAYING into it. The boomer’s are retiring…which leaves us only one option: A 2nd Baby Boom!! We need American’s to start sexing each other up to jump-start this economy.

But a dark clouds looms in the distance. The gays. They dont make babies, therefore, its almost impossible for them to contribute to this effort! But I think I may have figured out a solution to this problem: tax the gays!!

Now before you start emailing me hateful statements or throwing buckets of glitter on me from hanging gondolas, hear me out. When a man and woman get together, they can have babies. If two men or two women get together, they cannot. They can either use in-vitro fertilization (which is quite costly and not a viable alternative to the average person) or adopt (which is basically a human trafficking network of global baby redistribution).

The current birthrate of this country is 1.6million babies born per year. Now, The average cost of raising a child until age 18 (without factoring in college) is $222,360. That’s roughly $19,765,333,333 that is spent on children that gets injected into the economy every year. But it could be so much more!!

With almost 4.3 million Americans defining themselves as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, thats a ton of money that is never making it into the economy that could be. Simply put, every gay couple is basically two straight couples prevented from conceiving. The gays simply aren’t making the requisite number of babies needed to help float the economy. And that’s where my new tax comes in.

With the average cost being $222,360, and assuming a 2-parent home, this is $111,180 total per parent, or $6177 per year, per parent, for 18 years. Now, if we taxed all 4.3 million that same $6177 a year they would have spent anyways on a “fresh” child, that would be an additional revenue increase of $26,561,100,000 per year.

“But what does it all mean” you ask? Well, for one: Jobs! That’s right. Should President Obama’s jobs bill be passed, the average job will cost $312,500 to create. With the over $26 billion in taxes, thats just under 85,000 jobs created per year that this tax is in effect.

Can’t argue with math folks. Unless, of course, you’re in the Tea Party

-M-

Fantasy Football: A New Hope

Footballs back!! And other than another excuse to drink, cookout, swear, and block off huge amounts of time on Sunday’s, Monday’s, Thursday’s (and eventually Saturday’s), there is one thing I look forward to most: Fantasy Football!!

That’s right friends. For those who play…you already know ;) But for those who do not, it’s actually pretty fun!! And in an attempt to get more people in on the fun (and thus build $$$ from ad revenues), the NFL is now REQUIRING, as of this season, fantasy stats to be displayed at all stadiums in real-time. awesome.

And what is my team name this year, you ask? I’ve gone with “The Show” after a dismal performance last year as “Team Badass.” How embarrassing #blush!

However…I’ve decided this year to take it one. step. further.

I’ve decided to create a new genre of games AND sports…to bridge the gap between jocks and nerds. I’ts final fantasy meets fantasy football!!! I call it “Final Fantasy Football: Touchdown of Time!” I’ve already drafted Sephiroth and Cloud with the Pittsburgh D and Lance Moore in the slot…gonna fucking wreck. I mean seriously, with Cloud’s Buster sword carving up the secondary while Moore dances his way across the field I can’t lose!

Plus with this stupid kickoff rule causing a cascade of touch-backs, and Sephiroth taking snaps, “The Show” is going to march down the field with ease every time. I just need to make sure Sephy and Cloud get along and don’t play “my swords sharper than yours is” on the field. That’s a twenty-yard penalty.

-M-

I blame the Greeks

Last week, I reported god’s anger toward us for pushing a gay/environmental/equality agenda. But I was wrong. It wasnt him, I gave him too much credit. looking down on Earth from Mt. Olympus, one thing is abundantly clear: Zeus is pissed. Aside from being the King of Gods, he is also the god of weather, the god of law and order, law and order: SVU, and the god of fate.

Working chiefly with Poseidon (god of the sea, rivers, floods, droughts, and earthquakes), these two have wreaked havoc across America. An earthquake on the east coast, devastating floods from Hurricane Irene, and historic flooding along the Mississippi River.

And now, Hephaestus (god of fire), is getting in on the fun by spreading more and more wildfires. Half the country is burning, the other half is being washed away!!

We’ve also learned that the USPS is “operating on a week’s worth of cash” according to the Postmaster General and could face shutdowns. Clearly the work of Hermes, the god of messengers, language, and writing.

And it also seems that Hera, queen of marriage, women, and childbirth, has defected to the Tea Party to help them put a stop to reproductive rights in dozens of states.

Last, but not least, who could forget Hades? King of the underworld, god of the dead, and leader of the tea party. His strangle hold seems to be iron-clad. He could not be reached for comment.

Current reports suggest that several of the other gods, primarily Aphrodite (goddess of love and beauty), Apollo (god of music, healing, and poetry), Ares (god of manly courage and civil order), and Athena (goddess of wisdom, heroic endeavor, and reason) are in hiding, strategizing on a way to overthrow these dark times. this could not be confirmed independently, however.

But being that these gods are Greek, and that the current state of Greece is, well…its pretty bad, there is one thing we can do: kick these gods to the curb and start hanging out with the Norse God’s. After all, Germany does have its shit together!! See you at Oktoberfest with Loki, Thor, and Odin!

-M-

Thanx for the jobs, Nature!!

good news friends, JOBS ARE HERE!!

thats right, Mother Earth has stepped up for us and did something that our politicians, god, or clean energy could not do…PROVIDE JOBS!!

Last week we saw an unprecedented earthquake hit the east coast. a few days later, hurricane Irene rocked the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up into Canada. It is clear that our Earth Mother is trying to help us out…trying to get us back on track!!

these disasters have left over 65 million people affected, canceled over 9000 flights, killed over 20 people, affected more than a dozen states, has left millions without power, and damage estimates are over $7 billion. (and thats not to mention the west coast wildfires, Mississippi river floodings, horrific mid-west tornadoes, or historic droughts in the south (costing the US over $32billion in damage)).

and who’s going to fix it all? WE ARE!! cant ship jobs like these oversees, republicans!

Nature is trying to send us a message, that she is here to help us, not hurt us! and this is the only way she can communicate with us!! think of all the jobs!! all the money poured into overtime for the utility crews working around the clock. over $7 billion will be spent to repair the widespread damage, making everything stronger, newer, better. the eartquake showed that almost all of our nuclear reactors are on the east coast…and woefully falling apart. that will cost billions and take the better part of a decade to fix. our highways systems disintegration was also illuminated by the quake, which will also cost billions to repair and years to accomplish.

jobs! jobs! jobs! politicians couldnt do it…they are too busy screwing America up. God couldnt do it because he is a character in a book. But nature steps in, and BOOM…jobs.

I, for one, am quite excited. All this time we thought Nature was pissed because of this whole “nurture” thing, or because humans still choose to ignore global warming. turns out, she was just trying to help this whole time. thanks mom :)

-M-

we’re sorry god, please dont hit us again :(

so as all of you should be already aware, an earthquake hit the east coast this week. being that the east is not over any tectonic plate boundries…this is rare. in fact, it was the first quake in Virginia since 1897. Californians made fun of our reaction to the little 5.8er. i truly enjoyed the pictures of “quake damage” on the web showing tipped over water bottles and yogurt cups.

but friends, this isnt funny. its serious. god is mad at us and thats why we got quaked! at least…thats what some people are saying. They say that the east got it for our “sins.”

now, the west coast gets a ton of quakes every year. like, several dozen. they must be sinning 24 hours a day!! we should take a lesson and not be like the west! it is clear that god hates west coasters and is showing that he will do the same to us east coasters if we dont straighten up and fly right!

and lest we not forget the quake that caused the tsunami that has crippled japan. their sins must have been so great, so unimaginable, that the number of dead and missing is almost 20,000.

so ladies and gentlemen, if youre gay, a minority, a woman, an atheist, or muslim, please stop pissing god off. go to church, pray, give 10%, and find an alter boy. do whatever you can to show god we love him and pray that he doesnt hurt us again.

just be thankful he isnt drinking when he hits us…those bruises stick around for weeks…

-M-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dumb Desicions, Vol. 1

Hindsight may be 20/20, but this seems like a no brainer. way back in the day, you got this guy jesus running around performing miracles. pretty sweet if you ask me. All across the gospels of matthew, mark, luke, and john miracles can be seen. they include: resurrections, exorcisms, walking on water, turning water into wine, healing the blind, and curing leprosy. what a guy.

now all of this do-goodery hes got going on really pisses of the romans. they decide to nail him to a bunch of wood and bleed him out. so what does jesus do? HE LETS THEM!! seriously JC, what was the thought process on that one guy? you know what i would have done? let them nail me up, and just chill there. day after day after day. im the fucking son of god! “hey pontius…i can do this all day kid.”

if he did that, it would have proven to everyone he was the son of god. it would be without question. word would travel across the world that there is a god and jesus is his son. but nope, he died. whats miraculous about that? now a days we have countries fighting other countries in the name of religion, people murdering other people because “god told them to.” on top of that, there are unspeakable crimes committed every second of every day (like all the catholic priests raping little boys…GO RELIGION!).

yea, good thing he died for our sins instead of sticking around. its working out great.

–M–

Gravity vs Intelligent Falling. Round 2.

so like i was saying, back in the 1600′s this guy was sitting under a tree, minding his own business and this apple decides to nail him in the head and BOOM! Gravity. or so the story goes…

first off, the apple didnt hit his head. he observed it falling from the tree, hitting the ground, and rolling a little. but here is the question…how do we really know it was an apple? it could have just as easily been a pear. or maybe he was chillin on the beach with a mojito and saw a coconut drop. hell, maybe some kid in a tree fell and busted his face open and he watched the blood roll downhill.

personally, i do not think it was an apple. there are 2 apples on earth that are universally known. adam’s apple from the garden of eden and newton’s apple. however, in the 1600′s only adam’s apple was known. the world at the time was very much into god as the “interventionist,” that things happened because he wanted them to. this finding, however, changed it to a stiff divide between that god and a god who creates based on order and leaves us to our own devices.

I think using the apple was a direct mockery of the apple from the bible and a giant middle finger to the “god” of that time (since its well known fact that god changes based on the year and who you ask and where they live). it hadnt even been two centuries since the dark ages and the spanish inquisition and the countless millions killed in the name of this god. newton saw an opening and went for it, never having realized the long lasting effects of his decision. how could he?

he took his science and put it up directly against religion, and won. and here we are. its kind of like those clowns in kansas no longer teaching evolution in their schools. a big middle finger to the scientific community. but thats the south for you.

we salute you newton!

–M–

Words never hurt anyone…except the weak.

sticks and stones may break my bones…but words will never hurt me? yea…i think most people didnt get that memo. Its amazing to see how overly offended people get due to the words of others. also very amusing is that there are many people out there who can give it all day but get all upset when someone gives back.

does it help? seriously…when someone points out that you are a stupid fuck or a whore does it help to cry like a weepy little bitch? does it magically make it better? it doesnt?!? well golly-g-willickers!!! you should keep getting upset over the dumb shit that people say!! the best is when i see it happen between strangers or people who arent the closest of friends, acquaintances if you will. surprising how much people care about the opinion of people they will never see again.

so let us remember, even if you are a slut, jew, trash, ugly, selfish, faggot, retard…if a friend calls you that: get new friends. if a non-friend says it: who cares?

grow up you pussy.

–M–

i’m a christian because im American? i’m all set with that.

Its amusing to think about the simple fact that religion is severely influenced by where you are born. For instance:
-North and South America, Europe, and Australia are christian.
-The southern half of Africa is a mix of christianity and tribal religions.
-The northern half of Africa and the Middle East are primarily Islamic.
-India is Hindu.
-China is a split between Buddhism and “chinese religions.”
-Russia, Greenland, and northern Canada are a split between tribal religions and the non-religious.

Back to the part about this being amusing to me. people live and die by their religion…kill others in the name of religion. yet this religion is almost wholly determined by where you are born. Its like a sports team…people, as a whole, root for the sports team in the city they grew up in. They are also rabid about their teams. This is especially true for football and soccer. It’s madness!!!

we are lucky to live in a country that doesn’t kill or imprison us for not worshiping the correct god (or the wrong team). if that were the case, then to the arctic circle I go!

–M–

Nightmare Scenario. Will you be a Survivor or a Statistic?

As much as people dont want to admit it, i think deep down everyone is hoping for a nightmare scenario to break them from this never-ending loop of the mundane that we call life. The way i see it is there are 4 possible scenarios, each with there own subset of outcomes.

1)”Zombies”
I think that a quote unquote zombie attack is possible a la “28 Days Later,” “I Am Legend,” and “Resident Evil” where some virus is created and infects the living…thus zombiefying them. I think an actual attack of the undead coming back to life is unreasonable.

This would lead to a massive breakdown in governments worldwide as they would not be able to efficiently contain both the zombies and panicked citizens. This would result in scattered fortified outposts and well as pockets of survivors. Now its time to suit and go on a killing spree until you can find the military.

2)Aliens
“Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying” -Arthur C. Clarke.

Assuming we arent, and they come, and they are angry…it could play out like “Independence Day” or “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” Either way, major cities would be destroyed leaving (again) scattered military units and scattered pockets of survivors. However this time, its about hiding and evading instead of killing.

3)We are all in the Matrix.
simply put…id think it’d be fun if this was true. ive always wanted to stop bullets…and not with my body

4)Nuclear War
Probably the most likely scenario. In this event, major cities would be wiped off the map, countries would vanish, millions would be killed instantly, and millions more would die from the fallout. This would lead to a life not unlike “Fallout 3.” I wouldnt mind that at all. Military resistance, attempts at new world orders, and pockets of survivors as well as pockets of bandits. makes for a fun time had by all.

BONUS! something else that cant be qualified above, such as “Children of Men” where women can no longer get pregnant or “Terminator” where the future continues to send back people and alter everything.

**We must also acknowledge the possibility of being hit by a celestial body or by the ravaging effects of accelerated global warming. in both scenarios, the entire world is affected and i dont believe much would change in the way of ordered governmental structure. i could be wrong.**

All i know is when the shit hits the fan, im going to be locked, cocked, and ready to go. the sooner the better.

–M–