I blame the Greeks

Last week, I reported god’s anger toward us for pushing a gay/environmental/equality agenda. But I was wrong. It wasnt him, I gave him too much credit. looking down on Earth from Mt. Olympus, one thing is abundantly clear: Zeus is pissed. Aside from being the King of Gods, he is also the god of weather, the god of law and order, law and order: SVU, and the god of fate.

Working chiefly with Poseidon (god of the sea, rivers, floods, droughts, and earthquakes), these two have wreaked havoc across America. An earthquake on the east coast, devastating floods from Hurricane Irene, and historic flooding along the Mississippi River.

And now, Hephaestus (god of fire), is getting in on the fun by spreading more and more wildfires. Half the country is burning, the other half is being washed away!!

We’ve also learned that the USPS is “operating on a week’s worth of cash” according to the Postmaster General and could face shutdowns. Clearly the work of Hermes, the god of messengers, language, and writing.

And it also seems that Hera, queen of marriage, women, and childbirth, has defected to the Tea Party to help them put a stop to reproductive rights in dozens of states.

Last, but not least, who could forget Hades? King of the underworld, god of the dead, and leader of the tea party. His strangle hold seems to be iron-clad. He could not be reached for comment.

Current reports suggest that several of the other gods, primarily Aphrodite (goddess of love and beauty), Apollo (god of music, healing, and poetry), Ares (god of manly courage and civil order), and Athena (goddess of wisdom, heroic endeavor, and reason) are in hiding, strategizing on a way to overthrow these dark times. this could not be confirmed independently, however.

But being that these gods are Greek, and that the current state of Greece is, well…its pretty bad, there is one thing we can do: kick these gods to the curb and start hanging out with the Norse God’s. After all, Germany does have its shit together!! See you at Oktoberfest with Loki, Thor, and Odin!

-M-

we’re sorry god, please dont hit us again :(

so as all of you should be already aware, an earthquake hit the east coast this week. being that the east is not over any tectonic plate boundries…this is rare. in fact, it was the first quake in Virginia since 1897. Californians made fun of our reaction to the little 5.8er. i truly enjoyed the pictures of “quake damage” on the web showing tipped over water bottles and yogurt cups.

but friends, this isnt funny. its serious. god is mad at us and thats why we got quaked! at least…thats what some people are saying. They say that the east got it for our “sins.”

now, the west coast gets a ton of quakes every year. like, several dozen. they must be sinning 24 hours a day!! we should take a lesson and not be like the west! it is clear that god hates west coasters and is showing that he will do the same to us east coasters if we dont straighten up and fly right!

and lest we not forget the quake that caused the tsunami that has crippled japan. their sins must have been so great, so unimaginable, that the number of dead and missing is almost 20,000.

so ladies and gentlemen, if youre gay, a minority, a woman, an atheist, or muslim, please stop pissing god off. go to church, pray, give 10%, and find an alter boy. do whatever you can to show god we love him and pray that he doesnt hurt us again.

just be thankful he isnt drinking when he hits us…those bruises stick around for weeks…

-M-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dumb Desicions, Vol. 1

Hindsight may be 20/20, but this seems like a no brainer. way back in the day, you got this guy jesus running around performing miracles. pretty sweet if you ask me. All across the gospels of matthew, mark, luke, and john miracles can be seen. they include: resurrections, exorcisms, walking on water, turning water into wine, healing the blind, and curing leprosy. what a guy.

now all of this do-goodery hes got going on really pisses of the romans. they decide to nail him to a bunch of wood and bleed him out. so what does jesus do? HE LETS THEM!! seriously JC, what was the thought process on that one guy? you know what i would have done? let them nail me up, and just chill there. day after day after day. im the fucking son of god! “hey pontius…i can do this all day kid.”

if he did that, it would have proven to everyone he was the son of god. it would be without question. word would travel across the world that there is a god and jesus is his son. but nope, he died. whats miraculous about that? now a days we have countries fighting other countries in the name of religion, people murdering other people because “god told them to.” on top of that, there are unspeakable crimes committed every second of every day (like all the catholic priests raping little boys…GO RELIGION!).

yea, good thing he died for our sins instead of sticking around. its working out great.

–M–

Pascal’s Wager vs. Gallo’s Counter

Pascal’s Wager is simple and elegant, very to the point. simply put “that even though the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should wager as though God exists, because living life accordingly has everything to gain, and nothing to lose.”

Now this is where Gallo’s Counter comes in. Those of you who know me know that i walk with a cocksure arrogance and maintain an overwhelming amount of self-confidence. i personally believe that i can take on any situation. this situation is no different. i intend to live my life as i see fit, and if in the end there actually is a god…then i will ask for forgiveness and he will grant it to me. how do i know this? it says so in the this bible that everyone talks so much about.

“We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done… We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us.” Romans 3:22,25

–M–

The man in the mirror

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

Hmm, a thought occurred. If god created us in his image…shouldnt we all be pure and perfect beings? We shouldnt be killing, murdering, raping, stealing, assaulting, molesting, grand theft autoing, and warring with each other!!!

Point: But mike, god created adam and eve in his own image and they ate the apple and thus created original sin so its their fault!

Counterpoint: well then, good sirs, if god created only adam and eve in his image, then shouldnt THEY have been pure and perfect, thus immune to the effects of trickery? I mean…unless god is weak, theyd have to be immune!

Conclusion? maybe god isnt as infallible as he’s made out to be.

–M–